#212 Sexploits

Submitted by an anonymous aid worker in Lusaka

As we know, EAWs love to gossip.  They also love sex.  But most of all, EAWs love to gossip about each other’s sexploits.  Fortunately for those wishing to indulge in their favourite hobby, there is a steady stream of raw material to fuel the gossip mill.  Barely a week will pass by without a brand-spanking new sexploit being unearthed and circulated in all its gory detail.  Once in possession of a new piece of gossip, the EAW can comfortably discuss it ad nauseum with everyone she or he meets, confident that before the subject becomes tired, a new sexploit will be on the horizon to sate the EAW scene’s omnipresent hunger for scandal.

The grapevine is an important indicator of social standing within the expat world. How quickly you find out the latest juicy titbit is testament to how connected you are to the scene.  When recounting your sexploit to others, be sure to accompany the story with details of how quickly you found out. This ensures that your social standing in the hierarchy is given the requisite credit.  If someone confides a piece of information to which you were already privy, a head-shake and a sigh of “yes, shocking isn’t it?” is appropriate, before letting the person know exactly how much more connected you are: “I heard it at lunch the next day”. This will ensure that your confider is left in no doubt that you are ahead of him or her on the social ladder and will encourage him or her to buy into your confidence with information at the next available opportunity.

The chain of information is also of high import.  You should always endeavour to understand the linking chain of whisperers which led to the gossip reaching your trusted ear.  The shorter the chain is to the horse’s mouth the more reliable the information is (note: this is of minor relevance), and the closer you are to the epicentre of the gossip mill.  Being “in the know” is a sought-after position of power.  Your ability to find out things quickly means that others will want to be part of your trusted inner circle, and their best means of buying into this is by sharing gossip with you in the hopes of reciprocation.  Cleverly managed, this can result in you ascending through the hierarchy apace.  Climbing up the greasy gossip pole, however, is a finely-balanced exercise.  One cannot gain a reputation as a “gossip” as this will diminish some of your access among the more cautious EAWs.  Your strategy should be to cultivate an impression of being a very discreet, yet highly plugged-in, person.  Think Varys in Game of Thrones.

Trading gossip is the main means of gaining currency in the sexploit market.  Higher credit is earned if the dishing onwards is presented as if you are reluctantly divulging to a trusted confidante. Emphasize the exclusivity by saying things like: “you are the first / only person I’ve told”.  You may wish to attempt to protect your position as a source of the gossip by swearing others to secrecy first (“I’ll only tell you this if you don’t say you heard it from me”).  This is a wise precaution to take to avoid being tarred as a gossip, but of course be mindful that this strategy will only mitigate, not completely vitiate, others becoming aware of your position in the chain.  When coming into possession of details of a sexploit which you wish to circulate as widely as possible, tell one person.  That will ensure that everyone knows by 2pm the following Friday.

Top tip: create a spider diagram with names and connecting lines to indicate hook-ups.  This will help you navigate the perilous world of the sexploit / gossip market.  It will also be a handy go-to reference tool in the event of a STI breakout.