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#149 High School Reunions

May 7, 2012

Submitted by Jerry

Let’s face it, high school reunions are not really about getting together with old friends and catching up…. They are about who won.

Really. If you keep in touch with anyone from HS, it is probably one or two really close friends. The rest you couldn’t care less about. So the only real reason anyone shows up to these things is to show how much better their life turned out or how cool they are now.  And this, my friends, is where the EAW wins hands down.

Now, there will be two types of EAWs at these events.

On the one hand, there is the person that was awkward and shunned in high school. This late bloomer went on to be an EAW and now relishes showing everyone just how interesting he or she turned out and settling psychological scores with old nemeses.

On the other hand, there is the former football captain, head cheerleader or homecoming king/queen who, true to form, is still pretty f***ing awesome and wants to make sure all the losers still know it.

As most experienced EAWs know, the trick to achieving maximum effect at these events is a combination of three things: timing, props and slide shows.

To start off, the best thing an EAW can do is actually fly into the reunion just hours before it starts, preferably from some random or dangerous place that the EAW’s “classmates” only hear mentioned on the nightly news during dinner as they are trying to stop their kids from flicking peas at them.

This first act is key, as by doing so, the EAW will have the second component of success, props. Specifically, that dusty, rugged luggage (preferably some sort of rucksack) and passport. Coming into whatever cheesy venue the organizing committee chose for the event, the EAW should ask to store his or her “kit” behind the table with all the name tags. Being in plain view of all attendees, this in itself will start to stir conversation and up the ante. Next, the EAW should casually leave that triple-additional-paged passport in his or her pocket, not quite out of sight.

These two props will no doubt spark interest and instantly make the EAW the talk of the room as the questions start coming. “Oh wow, you just flew in from Kigali??  Where is that anyways? That is so admirable! I wish I was doing something more meaningful!”  Seriously, who wants to talk kids, accounting or sales when the EAW has been saving lives in the mountains of Pakistan or the jungles of Colombia……it’s not even a fair fight. The real trick for the EAW is to pretend that he or she is reluctant to talk about it and make a point of enquiring and caring about others, “No really, enough about me being shot at! Now, tell me… what you have been up to!”

Finally, the EAW should have submitted, or even better, had someone else submit, pictures for the de rigueur “where are they now” slide show.  These pictures should be of the “rookie shot” variety which every EAW worth their salt should have burned or deleted long ago, but they play well for the home folk. They are of course the pictures with the benevolent EAW surrounded by adoring African children or grateful Cambodian grandmothers accepting the largesse of the EAW. If the EAW has a pic of riding in a helicopter or squatting and talking to a small child under a tree, all the better. All of these will be infinitely better than what’s her names “crazy” picture of her and hubby swimming with the dolphins and explaining how “they just come right up to you!”

In the end, it will be abundantly clear just how great the EAW has become, being the selfless humanitarian and world traveler the EAW is. The married classmates will start wishing their partners were more like the EAW. The EAW, being so interesting and worldly, will likely get laid that night; and, with any luck, the class of [insert year] will walk away thinking about how meaningless their lives are.  That my friends, is total victory.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. The Global Kiosk permalink
    May 7, 2012 8:26 am

    Another hilarious post… But I am still waiting for what could be a super post and that is on EAW’s who work for foundations run by famous celebrities.

  2. May 7, 2012 9:24 am

    Absolutely love it :)

  3. May 7, 2012 10:28 am

    Thanks. It’s my 40 year reunion next year. Now I know how to play it….

  4. May 7, 2012 7:46 pm

    There was an Australian film on this topic last year! – the guy who thinks he has it all, then meets an EAW at their school reunion and realizes he too wants to be a selfless humanitarian. Aaaaaaaah.

  5. Sofo permalink
    May 8, 2012 4:54 am

    Who knew that your EAW status would be even more powerful in a high school reunion than in impressing the locals or in pursuing local romance.

  6. Joshua permalink
    May 14, 2012 6:56 am

    I am thusly skewered…


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